1. Nike Powerlaces
Sure, Nike released some non-powerlaced replicas of Marty’s kicks in 2012, and in 2014 promised a functional version was on the way, but they aren’t. They just aren’t.
2. Food hydrators
Remember when you thought you’d be able to pop a pocket sized pizza into an oven and watch it expand to a full-sized feast in a matter of seconds? Yep me too. Now just Google “food hydrator” and see how close we are to making this thing a reality. Hint: since it autocorrects to “food DEhydrator,” I’m guessing not that close! Also, nice Black & Decker product placement, jerk-offs.
Oh god, don’t even get me started on all the wanna be “real Hoverboards” that float an inch off the ground and move about as much in each direction. At least BTTF2 got one thing right: Hoverboards don’t work on water…because they don’t exist.
4. Auto-drying jackets.
I’m not even sure how we’d have ever used these things since it’s seldom I go swimming in a thick winter jacket, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be pissed that they don’t exist.
5. Fax machines.
Technically they lied to us about these existing in 2015…because it’s 2015 and no one uses fax machines anymore except my student loan company. I bet those money grubbing assholes LOVE BTTF2 and its web of LIES.
6. The Scenery Channel.
This is possibly the one that makes me rage the most. Not because I want to watch The Scenery Channel, but because I DON’T want to watch contrived reality TV and am in desperate need of options beyond Seinfeld reruns and The Walking Dead.
7. AT&T fingerprint recognition door locks.
This seems like it would be pretty easy to do since fingerprint locking is currently a function on my iPhone, but for some reason AT&T has opted to spend its R&D budget over the past 25 years on more efficiently fucking me over when I try to place a call somewhere other than right next to a cell tower. (Another solid product placement too! Dicks.)
8. Phone glasses.
Ok, granted these are pretty similar to Google Glass, but herein lies the deceit: they actually make you look cool instead of make you look like a total asshole.
9. Droid dog walkers.
Do you know how much it costs me to have my two dogs walked by a human being everyday? $40! That’s more than the Chinese kids who’d assemble a gadget like this would make in a year, if it existed! Bullshit.
10. Robotic gas stations.
I live in New Jersey so I’m legally not allowed to pump my own gas. And the attendants who do it for me don’t take tips. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable it makes me to watch some poor guy pump my gas at 2am in the middle of February and then not tip him? If we had robot gas station attendants I wouldn’t have to worry about that now would I? Because fuck robots
11. The Garden Coaster
Not that I’d all of the sudden start eating vegetables if I had one of these floating garden things, but it would be nice to at least have the option.
12. Flying cars.
Yea, obviously we don’t have these. Far as I can tell the closest thing we’ve got are Google’s self-driving cars which are a thing from Demolition Man, not BTTF2. Congrats on being shown up by a movie starring Jesse Ventura, assholes!